Square One

Beginnings are always scary, but here I go. Gotta start somewhere :-)

I moved back home to try to sort out the stuff I had going on in my head. And here I am, a little over a year later and I feel like I am back at square one. See, I had some issues with food. But I guess what girl doesn't? The problem was, food to me was debilitating because of two reasons. First, when I was on track, I fantasized about the things I couldn't have. Chocolate, pastries, ice cream, you name it, I probably shed a tear at the thought of never eating it again... Second, when I would go "off track", all I seemed to think about was food. It was a lose-lose situation. And pretty soon, I felt like I was living outside my body. You know, where you are just kind of hovering above yourself, watching yourself freak out and gorge/starve yourself.

So after years of self-destruction, hating everything about myself, starving then eating till oblivion, I decided enough was enough. I started eating "intuitively", bought the handy-dandy book that I;d come to use as a freaking bible, and embarked on a new path.

And for a while, things were good. I still had my bad moments where I'd beat myself up and look at my stomach and try to suck it in everytime I walked by a mirror, but I wasn't using food as a crutch anymore...

But, now I find that I have left that safe area I found last year. I can lie to myself all I want, pretend like I didn't mean to, but honestly, I started dieting again. I told myself I was just eating what I wanted moderately, or eating healthy, but let's face it- I was dieting. And now, even though I am 30 pounds lighter, I still feel suffocated. I have to monitor everything that goes in my mouth, calorie for calorie, gram for gram. And its no fun.

So here I am, back at square one.

After perusing some really good interesting sites, I knew that a blog would help me think clearly. Get my thoughts out. I need to find a new way to deal with things. Life will never be easy, and eating or not eating that piece of pie won't change it. I just want to think without feeling claustrophobic. I will probably post some food recipes as I explore, post pics, you know, normal stuff... I'm ready.