Questions

Last night, I went out to celebrate with my friend Katie for her birthday. And I had a blast. I think it was important for me to remember how fun it is to get out of the house, laugh it up in a loud and noisy bar, and sip a few drinks. My friend from out of town came and we went to dinner then to a bar, and ended up staying up till 5am just talking and laughing. For some reason, I hadn't laughed that much for a while, which is weird because I normally consider myself a happy person. When did I become so moody all of a sudden? I don't know how I've changed and become this somewhat withdrawn frazzled girl but I don't like it. Why can't I balance everything? Why is it so hard for me to just relax?

Lately I have been asking myself so many questions, especially when it comes to re-found disordered eating habits. Why do I concentrate on food? Why is it all I can think about at times? Why why why... And I don't know where to go to find these answers, but honestly, these are issues I need to get wrapped up. It's too hard being in this "gray" area. All these questions give me anxiety because I'm not normal. NORMAL. Don't we all just long to be normal? I don't want to fight with myself and my weight and my body. I want it to work in harmony together. For a while I thought I had found that balance. But I think adding in stress from school and loneliness might've tipped the balance I'd found. I just want it back...