Applesauce Cake

So, despite the fact that I have a midterm coming up in a few days and a paper due on Monday, I decided I needed to take a break. So I baked this applesauce cake via Elise of Simply Recipes. Baking for me is very therapeutic, and is a good distraction. I can't tell you how good this cake smelled. My whole kitchen was filled with the aroma of cinnamon and spice. And it tasted yummy :-) Here's the recipe:

Applesauce cake from Elise.

1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter, room temperature
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon grated nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
3 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup applesauce
1/4 cup of buttermilk
1/2 cup of chopped walnuts
1/2 cup raisins

1 Preheat oven to 375°F. Butter and flour an 8-in square baking pan, set aside.

2 Sift together the flour, baking soda, cinnamon, allspice, nutmeg, cloves, and salt. Set aside.

3 In an electric mixer, beat butter until light, add sugar and beat until fluffy. Add the eggs, one at a time, beating to incorporate after each addition. Add the vanilla and the applesauce and beat until smooth.

4 Mix in half of the dry ingredients. Just before they are blended, add the buttermilk. Then mix in the rest of the dry ingredients, until completely incorporated. Do not over-mix.

5 Pour out the batter into your prepared cake pan. Place in the middle rack of the 375°F oven and bake for 25-30 minutes, until done. The cake should spring back to the touch, and a toothpick or thin skewer should come out clean after being inserted in various spots in the middle of the cake. Remove the cake from the oven. Let cool for 15 minutes. Then invert to cool completely on a rack.

I didn't bake my cake long enough, so make sure yours is done, especially in the middle.

Questions

Last night, I went out to celebrate with my friend Katie for her birthday. And I had a blast. I think it was important for me to remember how fun it is to get out of the house, laugh it up in a loud and noisy bar, and sip a few drinks. My friend from out of town came and we went to dinner then to a bar, and ended up staying up till 5am just talking and laughing. For some reason, I hadn't laughed that much for a while, which is weird because I normally consider myself a happy person. When did I become so moody all of a sudden? I don't know how I've changed and become this somewhat withdrawn frazzled girl but I don't like it. Why can't I balance everything? Why is it so hard for me to just relax?

Lately I have been asking myself so many questions, especially when it comes to re-found disordered eating habits. Why do I concentrate on food? Why is it all I can think about at times? Why why why... And I don't know where to go to find these answers, but honestly, these are issues I need to get wrapped up. It's too hard being in this "gray" area. All these questions give me anxiety because I'm not normal. NORMAL. Don't we all just long to be normal? I don't want to fight with myself and my weight and my body. I want it to work in harmony together. For a while I thought I had found that balance. But I think adding in stress from school and loneliness might've tipped the balance I'd found. I just want it back...

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Square One

Beginnings are always scary, but here I go. Gotta start somewhere :-)

I moved back home to try to sort out the stuff I had going on in my head. And here I am, a little over a year later and I feel like I am back at square one. See, I had some issues with food. But I guess what girl doesn't? The problem was, food to me was debilitating because of two reasons. First, when I was on track, I fantasized about the things I couldn't have. Chocolate, pastries, ice cream, you name it, I probably shed a tear at the thought of never eating it again... Second, when I would go "off track", all I seemed to think about was food. It was a lose-lose situation. And pretty soon, I felt like I was living outside my body. You know, where you are just kind of hovering above yourself, watching yourself freak out and gorge/starve yourself.

So after years of self-destruction, hating everything about myself, starving then eating till oblivion, I decided enough was enough. I started eating "intuitively", bought the handy-dandy book that I;d come to use as a freaking bible, and embarked on a new path.

And for a while, things were good. I still had my bad moments where I'd beat myself up and look at my stomach and try to suck it in everytime I walked by a mirror, but I wasn't using food as a crutch anymore...

But, now I find that I have left that safe area I found last year. I can lie to myself all I want, pretend like I didn't mean to, but honestly, I started dieting again. I told myself I was just eating what I wanted moderately, or eating healthy, but let's face it- I was dieting. And now, even though I am 30 pounds lighter, I still feel suffocated. I have to monitor everything that goes in my mouth, calorie for calorie, gram for gram. And its no fun.

So here I am, back at square one.

After perusing some really good interesting sites, I knew that a blog would help me think clearly. Get my thoughts out. I need to find a new way to deal with things. Life will never be easy, and eating or not eating that piece of pie won't change it. I just want to think without feeling claustrophobic. I will probably post some food recipes as I explore, post pics, you know, normal stuff... I'm ready.